TAKING THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT
What it's like to be put on the spot by a major American TV late night host...
Following my recent appearance on the U.S. based CBS show “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert”, his production team were kind enough to send me the transcript from my time there. I confess there were some nerves, but Stephen made me feel most welcome. Since the YouTube session isn’t up yet (the staff say they don’t know if it ever will), enclosed is an excerpt…enjoy!
(Horns blare as the musical intro ends…and then)
STEPHEN COLBERT: Welcome back everybody! And look at him…that’s Scott Murphy! Thank you for appearing on the show tonight!
SCOTT MURPHY: Thank you for having me.
STEPHEN COLBERT: Now the reason I brought you back for a second session is because I don’t know when you’ll be on again and the first half was just spent talking about your new projects — chit chat — the way it always is here. And I really want to get to know you, so what we have done at The Late Show is had our data engineers crunch some numbers. With the help of an AI system, they’ve created something called The Colbert Questionert, which is, have you heard of this?
MURPHY: Yes, I have the feeling I know what you’ll be asking…some stimulating…
COLBERT: Yes, they penetrate and then stimulate with thoughts. Actually, they go in, and they’re rib crackers, and I look right at the heart of the person, and the world knows who you are at the end of this. The question is: are you prepared to be known Scott Murphy?!
MURPHY: I guess I’m finally prepared to no longer be anonymous and be known.
(Cheesy but catchy musical bumper intro is played…and then)
COLBERT: Colbert Questionert, question one for Scott Murphy. What is the best sandwich?
MURPHY: Several come close, but I’m going to say a full number two hoagie from Hoagie Haven in Princeton, New Jersey.
COLBERT: Oooh…and what’s in a number two?
MURPHY: Take a foot-long bread roll, add oil and vinegar, then capicola, salami, provolone, lettuce, tomatoes, peppers, some more oil and vinegar, cut it in half and voila. The perfect sandwich to watch a ballgame with…and a beer.
COLBERT: Sounds divine. What was the first concert you ever went to?
MURPHY: I surely went to shows before this one, but the first one I definitely thought of as a concert was Black Sabbath and Blue Oyster Cult at Madison Square Garden. It was so crazy that they were throwing people off the balcony.
COLBERT: (looks taken aback) Quality. Quality first concert, yeah. What is the scariest animal?
MURPHY: Easy Stephen. A komodo dragon. You can find them in Indonesia.
COLBERT: And what’s so scary about them?
MURPHY: Well if you’ve ever seen them eat a goat, then you’ll know why.
COLBERT: Interesting. Apples or oranges?
MURPHY: Well, I know you want me to say apples Stephen, but I’m going to go with oranges. They’re refreshing and they’re now finding out that they lower depression by twenty percent.
COLBERT: Well you know what they say about apples, but I won’t argue your choice. Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
MURPHY: Yes, auto race car driver Rick Mears comes to mind, and then much later, a slew of musicians, like Carlos Santana.
COLBERT: Carlos! The man…he’s smooth. Scott, what do you think happens when we die?
MURPHY: Do you want the short answer or the long one?
COLBERT: The short one for now…
MURPHY: Well it depends if we go to heaven or hell.
COLBERT: And where are you going?
MURPHY: Still working on it…heaven hopefully.
COLBERT: Hopefully…what’s your favorite action movie?
MURPHY: Hmmm…tough question. I waver between Die Hard and First Blood. But I’m going to go with First Blood. All Rambo wanted was something to eat…
COLBERT: And look what happened. Should have just let him go eat. Window or aisle?
MURPHY: Aisle, Stephen. You never know…
COLBERT: And you don’t want to have to say ‘Excuse me, Excuse me.’ Favorite smell?
MURPHY: Well that changes Stephen, but today I’m going to go with freshly blended juice with wheatgrass.
COLBERT: Least favorite smell?
MURPHY: Stinky tofu made by a Hong Kong street vendor.
COLBERT: Oh that’s specific. How bad is it?
MURPHY: Bad.
COLBERT: What’s your earliest memory?
MURPHY: You know, I was only about two or two and a half, but I remember walking down to the local train station with my parents when Robert F. Kennedy’s casket rode by on a train.
COLBERT: Wow! I buy it…I do. Okay, cats or dogs?
MURPHY: Dogs are fun but there’s nothing like a cat when it purrs.
COLBERT: Classic. You only get one song to listen to for the rest of your life. You don’t have to listen to it all the time, but when you do listen to music, it’s this song. What is it?
MURPHY: Many come to mind, but I’ll go with “Kashmir” by Led Zeppelin, Stephen. That groove is timeless.
COLBERT: Sure. What number am I thinking of?
MURPHY: Reliable sources say you’re thinking of 11 and don’t want to admit it.
COLBERT: Good guess, but no. Describe the rest of your life in five words.
MURPHY: It…gets…better…and…better.
COLBERT: Congratulations Scott Murphy! You are known! And I’m so glad to know you!
MURPHY: Thank you.
COLBERT: Thank you! And we’ll be right back ladies and gentlemen!
(Mix to commercial break).
